kshandra: Close-up of a single lit candle against a black background (Candle)
So the news about my grandfather has gone from "days, maybe hours" to "not as bad as all that" to "he may not make it to next weekend." And I've spent much of today in conversation with [personal profile] gridlore, [personal profile] murphymom, and my sister, trying to work out whether going this weekend is viable. And I realized in the midst of that discussion that part of why I was stressing so much over making this work is that I didn't get to see Aunt Mary that one last time (which in itself carries residual guilt from blowing off Nana's last birthday...jesus, twenty years ago now).

Mom has multiple things keeping her from making the trip this weekend (not the least of which is she's moving on the 7th, to the second - third? - housing arrangement she's had since the fire in May). Amanda has said that if money is the only thing keeping Doug and me from making the trip, tell her how much and where to wire it. Knowing I get paid on the 9th has certainly been part of my motivation for waiting till next week to drive down, but more of it is thinking I was going to need that much time to collect the spoons the trip is going to take (both in terms of the emotional weight of the journey and the simple fact of trying to do it all in 72 hours). There's a definite chance that if I do go this weekend, Doug won't be in a condition to go with me, which sucks, because he was hoping to stop on the way back and visit a dear friend from high school who has at least as many health challenges as he does, and they may not have many opportunities left, either.

And I fucking hate that I have reached an age where having to think in terms of "the last time I'll get to see this person" is going to become a regular occurrence.
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kshandra: Text: "I should perhaps be disturbed by the MASSIVE NEED I have for approval of strangers on the Internet." (Default)
kshandra

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