kshandra: Rich Uncle Pennybags, pockets turned out and palms upturned, over a background of Monopoly money (Broke)
...if the Christmas good cheer would've lasted through the end of Boxing day, at least.

We're going to be $150 short for the rent when I get paid on Friday. And that's with putting the last of the cash from my bonus into the bank. (Most of it's already been spent on gas, groceries, and medication.)

[personal profile] gridlore is calling his social worker after the 1st - once all the new laws go into effect - to try and figure out if there's any additional aid he can receive. Fat lot of good that does us now, though.

My life is a broken fucking record, and I want out.
kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
I'm awaiting a phone call from the intake counselor at La Ventana.

My doctor recommended I seek out a clinic, as I need more than just a change in diet and exercise - I need to change my entire approach to food. I am not (strictly speaking) a binge eater, but I have a relationship with food that can only be called dysfunctional. I'll note for the record that this clinic does promote Health At Every Size, which I was thrilled to hear in my conversation with their Outreach coordinator last night, because I'm never going to weigh what the actuarial tables think I should. But my weight is keeping me from doing things I love, and that is not acceptable.

Getting this far was an ordeal I don't care to repeat, involving multiple emails via a contact form we ultimately discovered was broken, and a voicemail message left for their outreach coordinator that amazingly only included one F-bomb and no tears. (The lack of response to my email led me to wonder if they weren't using some bullshit tough-love approach and were expecting me to prove how much I wanted this; had that turned out to be the case, [personal profile] gridlore would probably be putting out the begging bowl to raise my bail.)

Depending upon what is determined by my assessment, and what my insurance will cover, I may actually end up in what is called a partial hospitalization program - seven hours a day, five days a week. It frightens me past the capacity for rational thought to consider what that will do to us financially, but money doesn't fucking well matter if I'm dead, now, does it? (They do also have a half-day intensive outpatient program, but I need to approach this from the perspective of what's best for me, if not my wallet.)

I'll post if I make it in, and if journaling turns out to be part of their approach, I may copy those entries here (if I do, they will be cut-tagged, with a keyword in the subject line, and comments will be disabled).

Speaking of comments, I'm leaving them enabled here, but they will be screened, and I make no promises that I will answer any of them. Geek Answer Syndrome or attempts to "reassure" me that I don't need to lose weight will be deleted with extreme prejudice.
kshandra: Six hearts in rainbow colors, linked in a star pattern around an infinity symbol (Polyamory)
[personal profile] digitalsidhe posted earlier this evening about attending the memorial for Jack Random yesterday, and it appears to have stirred up a lot of emotions in me. Not because I knew Jack - indeed, I'm not sure I'd ever heard his name before my queer friends started posting about his passing.

And that's what did it. I'm upset about my complete inactivity in "freak" circles. Queer, kinky, poly...you name it, I'm a cipher in it. And it isn't about the sex (mostly, anyway, though I'd be lying if I said that part didn't bother me, too) - it's about the connection. The community (and half of my Burner friends are shouting "DRINK!" now). Yes, I have my Invisible Internet Friends, and I love you all, but I don't have anyone who will call me up and say "Hey, wanna go to $EVENT next week/month/whenever?"

I know, I know. If I did, 90% of the time the answer would would be "Sorry, can't afford it." But I'd like the opportunity to be disappointed that I won't get to do something, as opposed to being disappointed that I didn't even know the something existed until someone Tweets about it from the audience (which happened over the weekend).

And no, the answer isn't "So go do something on your own!" Especially not right now, when the introversion is spiraling into tighter and tighter circles.

All comments screened, and I make no guarantees that I'll be able to answer them in a timely fashion, if at all. Also, virtual hugs are going to rub me the wrong way - a symptom of the problem, if you will - so please, don't.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
I've been posting about it on my Tumblr, instead of here, because it started with a round of blegging, and y'all have seen enough of that from me in the past decade. But what I thought was going to be a momentary obstacle has become a rapid descent into hell, so I should bring folks up to speed.

A reluctant request for assistance

Thanks, and an update

An update to the update

I would really like to know what it feels like NOT to live in abject terror.

(Comments disabled because I can feel myself going into shutdown mode, and I need what spoons I have to get through my workday.)
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
...'cause I'm gonna need it to tell you just how AWESOME life is right now. :-P

I am phenomenally broken today, exacerbated by the fact that it was too fething hot in the apartment to even think about sleeping until 0115 this morning; I've actually lost count of the number of times I've teared up and/or flat-out started crying. (Doctor's appointment is already booked. I've been non-compliant on all my meds, brain and body, since before Worldcon, and I already knew that I needed to get back on the horse. Will be discussing an embryonic workout plan, as well; if [personal profile] gridlore and I are going to London in 2014, I have three years to lose 200lbs, because I'd like to survive the trip there and back.)

I've got a W101 LAN party to look forward to tomorrow night...and then Paul's memorial service the next morning, so I'm not going to get to ride that high for as long as I would have liked.

I think I'm spending large portions of the rest of the weekend reblogging MLP macros on Tumblr.

I'm leaving comments enabled, but please don't try to engage me in discussion right now. The metaphorical silverware drawer is empty.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
I'm feeling soul-crushingly incompetent today. At work, in my volunteer positions, pretty much everywhere.

I don't want hand-holding or hugs or assurances that it will get better; there is an undercurrent of rage in my current mindset that I don't want to unleash on anyone. But I am documenting this here because it's important to track.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
So there was this game I was playing, and the end of it SUCKED, and every time I start thinking about it I get riled again, so I don't want to talk about it.

And there was this con I went to, and while there were some really AWESOME moments, the frustrating and/or depressing ones seem to have outweighed them, so I don't really want to talk about that, either.

And then one of my oldest friends (and one of my first boyfriends) took his own life this weekend, and I don't even KNOW what to say about that.

Try me again in a couple of weeks.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
(And, despite my continued enjoyment of A Map of the Floating City, I'm actually NOT referring to the Thomas Dolby song of the same name....)

I'm going largely offline for the immediate future. Saying I have a short fuse right now does not even begin to cover it (I actually told [personal profile] gridlore on the phone earlier "You need to stop talking right now before I start screaming at you"), and I have absolutely no idea why I'm so profoundly on edge. I'll be back if/when I can figure out a way to reverse the issue.

Comments disabled. Please, no personal email, calls, or text messages either; whatever's got me short-circuited right now will interpret such as "this person is disrespecting me by choosing to ignore my stated desire for no contact," and it will only take that much longer for me to return to something resembling equilibrium.
kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
With a link for the three of you reading this who have no idea what that subject line is about.

Ford Motor Credit called twice in the space of an hour this morning.

I took the second call.

They gave me an extension on the loan.

They're sending paperwork [personal profile] gridlore and I have to sign and either fax or mail back, and it's gonna cost me $25, but I don't have to worry about the truck payment again for another month.

And I'm gonna stop here before I fall back into the pit of all the other things that I still have to pay. I faced down the biggest, most immediate demon, and that's enough for now.

(Comments are still disabled, because honestly, I don't know what I'd want to hear right now. Go give me more hugs if it makes you feel better.)
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
On June 13, we will be 60 days past due on the payments for [livejournal.com profile] gridlore's truck. They've been calling us twice a day for the past week; obviously, we haven't been picking up the phone.

Doug hasn't gotten any money from disability since 5/12, and that was a single-day payment. Kaiser mailed off his latest extension paperwork on 5/26; obviously, there is a backlog due to the federal holiday on the 30th, and once it processes, we'll get a lump sum to catch up, but WE NEED THAT FUCKING MONEY NOW.

Is it really any wonder why I haven't made any plans for my birthday next week?
kshandra: Rich Uncle Pennybags, pockets turned out and palms upturned, over a background of Monopoly money (Broke)
At least the good news is actually GREAT news: [livejournal.com profile] gridlore got the notification from EDD this weekend that they'll be processing his disability claim, retroactive to 10 Dec.

(AND, I'm finally getting my annual review/increase, which will be retro to 1 Jan; don't know how much it is, yet, but every little bit helps.)

Of course, the money isn't actually here...which means my account is now horribly overdrawn thanks to the cellphone bill hitting it. (Worse yet, it doesn't look as though I'd managed to change all of the features over to the family plan when I added Doug's number to my account, so it's even more than it needed to be. FEH.)

Damnit, we keep getting so fucking close, only to have something trip us up again.
kshandra: Rich Uncle Pennybags, pockets turned out and palms upturned, over a background of Monopoly money (Broke)
[livejournal.com profile] gridlore just sent me a text message; they've ordered another round of Lovenox for him that I have to pick up at the pharmacy after work, along with the Xanax his PCP ordered instead of the Fukitol Lorazepam.

I THINK I have enough money in the bank to cover both scripts.

If you see me at Pantheacon tomorrow, buy me lunch and/or dinner? (Or a badge, so I can get into the Dealers Room and at least look at the pretty?) I'll have to come home by 8 so I can give Doug his evening shot, but if there's something appealing on the program I might come back.

Pewter Lining Department: When I got home from work yesterday, there was an envelope from Kaiser, with a copy of all of the paperwork his rep in the Medical Secretary's Office had faxed up to EDD to get his disability claim moving again. So there's at least hope that we'll get money eventually.
kshandra: Rich Uncle Pennybags, pockets turned out and palms upturned, over a background of Monopoly money (Broke)
So [livejournal.com profile] gridlore got a mailer at the beginning of the week from the dealership that sold us his truck, all happy happy joy joy capslock "WE WANT TO BUY BACK YOUR VEHICLE!" While it's the last thing either of us want to do, not having to make two car payments every month would be a godsend right about now. So I called the dealership, asked a couple of questions, and made arrangements to come in today.

Apparently, I didn't ask the right questions, because correct me if I'm wrong, but buying back a vehicle, in my lexicon, would mean we no longer need to pay any money for the vehicle.

The dealership offered us $2000 less than we currently owe...and I would have had to give them a check for the difference.

When I (naturally) balked at this, the salesman started trying to deal. "If you wanted to give us BOTH your vehicles for a trade-in, we could get you into something new, and still be making one less payment a month." Because committing to seven MORE years of payments is what I'm interested in doing right now.

I thanked the shark salesman for his time and brought the truck home.

From here, I head over to the local AAA office and take advantage of their DMV counter to file planned non-operation status for the truck, and then remove the truck from our insurance policy (which is at least another $50/month back in our wallets). Once I get home, I file our tax return and start wading through all the paperwork Doug's social worker gave him before he was discharged.

I really just want to crawl into bed and not come out again.
kshandra: Rich Uncle Pennybags, pockets turned out and palms upturned, over a background of Monopoly money (Broke)
Thanks to a generous contribution, I had enough money in the bank when I dropped off the rent check on the 1st...

...so imagine my surprise when the landlord called last night to say that the bank had refused the check when he tried to cash it.

Check my bank balance, and discover that the last installment of our WorldCon memberships had been charged to my debit card, leaving us $20 short.

I ranted about this on Twitter/FB last night, leading a very kind individual to ask if [livejournal.com profile] gridlore and I were okay for money. I demurred, indicating we'd be fine as soon as Doug's disability check shows up (which is a lie, really, because all of that money is spent twice over, but anyway).

And then I get up this morning to find out that the auto-pay for Doug's cell phone had triggered last night.

And so, with great regret, and more than a little shame, I set out the begging bowl once more. PLEASE, I beg you all - only if you can truly afford it, and no more than a couple of bucks, ideally, because I hate the notion of being subsidized by my friends (and I know that some of y'all are in even worse straits than we are).

The email address for PayPal is purplekoosh (at) gmail (dot) com; email me if you'd like a snail mail address to send a check. And I thank you, more than words can express, for even reading this far.

Comments disabled, because I know there are more than a few of you who would take exception to several of the points mentioned above; I don't have the energy to debate any of them right now.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
We're overdrawn again. The ISP and my cellphone both hit the account at the same time; picking up the TamiFlu scrip on Thursday sent us over the edge.

There should be an unemployment check downstairs in the mailbox; I didn't leave the house yesterday, so I don't know. That check was supposed to be both car payments (with a little wiggle room), but I have to hold it aside for the rent (which auto-debits from our account on the 1st) 'cause Christ only knows how long it's going to take [livejournal.com profile] gridlore's disability to be approved for these two weeks - not to mention actually getting a check.

I've been avoiding this, but I don't see another option at this point.








If you don't use PayPal, but are willing to drop a dollar in the hat by other methods:

Douglas & Kirsten Berry
5751 Almaden Road, Apt D
San Jose, CA 95118-3613

Comments disabled. I feel bad enough about doing this; I don't think I can handle a discussion of why.
kshandra: Animated text: Closing paragraph from the 01/08/11 Special Comment - icon made with http://wigflip.com/minifesto (Default)
It was pointed out to me that it's been something on the order of a million years since I last posted anything at all, and even longer since I last posted anything public. Some of that is because I've been dealing with Weird Shit (and while I wouldn't call it resolved by any stretch of the imagination, I'm at least getting to a point where I can move the fuck on), but mostly it's because it's been a billion degrees out and I haven't wanted to think. Apparently the weather gods didn't get the memo that I'm not going to the Burn this year, so I didn't need the pre-event acclimation cycle this year....

I leave for Montreal in just over two weeks. This is so very Not Real.

In other news, I've apparently turned into the poster child for Zocor. I've been on simvastatin for two months, now; I went in for labwork at the beginning of the week, and my combined cholesterol count has dropped from 299 to 167. I have NEVER had a count that low (the first lipid panel I can remember having drawn, 20ish years ago, was over 200).

And now I really need to get my ass to bed, 'cause I'm supposed to be in Pacifica at 11 for a fresh coat of purple.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
I. Am. Broken.

My mental health is easily in the worst condition it's been since [livejournal.com profile] dafydd and I broke up four and a half years ago...possibly the worst it's been since I originally started therapy a decade ago.

I spent most of yesterday frantically tossed between abject misery and barely-controlled rage. I do not trust my reactions to anything or anyone currently.

Tomorrow morning I am calling Behavioral Medicine to get back on mood stabilizers. From there, I will start the process of finding a therapist I trust and can work with. In the meantime, please understand that I am unlikely to tolerate good-natured joking, well-intentioned cajoling, or any sort of "tough love" that might be your first instinct with which to respond. And I make no promises as to whether it will make me burst into tears or throw you against a wall. (And no, this is not hyperbole; I have physically attacked [livejournal.com profile] gridlore in the past, in front of witnesses, when I was sufficiently off-kilter. I'm not proud of it - I was almost physically ill when I finally stopped myself - but I have to acknowledge this side of me.)

Comments disabled. Please do not email me, leave comments on unrelated entries, or call.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
(Originally posted using TxtLJ)

Hi, LJ. I swear I'm not dead. I'll turn this into a real post in the morning, okay? Cool. G'night.



Oh, right, it's morning now, isn't it?

Let's see. )
kshandra: Cover artwork from Trans Siberian Orchestra's "The Christmas Attic" (Christmas)
(crossposted, with minor edits and one addition, from a thread on my B'man village's board)

It's gonna be a really lean $WINTERHOLIDAY for us. Whiny, and bordering on passive-aggressive. Feel free to skip. )

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kshandra: Animated text: Closing paragraph from the 01/08/11 Special Comment - icon made with http://wigflip.com/minifesto (Default)
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