kshandra: Cartoon: Garfield face-down in his cat bed, a single Z in a word balloon over his head (Z)
It did not surprise me in the least to wake up this morning showing signs of a depressive episode, despite being at therapeutic levels with my meds. A death in the family will do that to a person.

I was NOT, however, expecting to come home from work and sleep for almost four hours. ([personal profile] gridlore was surprised I woke up at all...)

Now to see if I can get myself BACK to sleep, so as not to completely mess myself up before a solo day in the office tomorrow.
kshandra: Close-up of a single lit candle against a black background (Candle)
So the news about my grandfather has gone from "days, maybe hours" to "not as bad as all that" to "he may not make it to next weekend." And I've spent much of today in conversation with [personal profile] gridlore, [personal profile] murphymom, and my sister, trying to work out whether going this weekend is viable. And I realized in the midst of that discussion that part of why I was stressing so much over making this work is that I didn't get to see Aunt Mary that one last time (which in itself carries residual guilt from blowing off Nana's last birthday...jesus, twenty years ago now).

Mom has multiple things keeping her from making the trip this weekend (not the least of which is she's moving on the 7th, to the second - third? - housing arrangement she's had since the fire in May). Amanda has said that if money is the only thing keeping Doug and me from making the trip, tell her how much and where to wire it. Knowing I get paid on the 9th has certainly been part of my motivation for waiting till next week to drive down, but more of it is thinking I was going to need that much time to collect the spoons the trip is going to take (both in terms of the emotional weight of the journey and the simple fact of trying to do it all in 72 hours). There's a definite chance that if I do go this weekend, Doug won't be in a condition to go with me, which sucks, because he was hoping to stop on the way back and visit a dear friend from high school who has at least as many health challenges as he does, and they may not have many opportunities left, either.

And I fucking hate that I have reached an age where having to think in terms of "the last time I'll get to see this person" is going to become a regular occurrence.
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (BurningMan)
I'm doing my best not to freak completely out, after what happened last year. We are in 200% better shape on every possible front (which, of course, does not mean either of us is 100%, but I'll take what I can get), but I don't think I'll relax completely until we are actually on the freeway heading east.

I am never really prepared to go - I don't think anyone ever is. But I am so ready to be there.

kshandra: Animated: Film-style countdown clock, indicating "Next Mood Swing in 3...2...1..." (Mood Swing)
Talk of mental health and eating habits behind the cut )
I still owe folks an actual post about the trip; our postcards have finally started arriving (postmarked 2 May - our own fault for asking the front desk to send them rather than finding the post office, which was apparently right by the Ayasofya), and once I've got them all back and in order, I'll be able to order my thoughts a little better.

FYI

Dec. 15th, 2015 04:51 pm
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
I'm currently experiencing a significant amount of bad brain weather. The various stressors of the past four months finally imploded at lunch today, and I was actively in crisis for several long, scary minutes. ([personal profile] gridlore told me in so many words that I was freaking him out; he wasn't the only one.)

I've emailed my former therapist, as I've decided the benefit of working with someone I already know outweighs the literal and figurative cost of having to drive back up to SF to see her. But I may be circling the wagons for a bit until that comes together.

Comments disabled.
kshandra: the highly stylized sphinx logo of the convention's inaugural year (Convolution)
It's been about 24 hours since I got home from Con-Volution. As much as it initially SUCKED to leave [personal profile] gridlore at home on Friday morning (he'd been planning to skip the con even before the latest round of fuckery), I have to admit it was really good to get a break. I'd been stuck in Crisis Mode since his first hospital stay in August, and I was beginning to question whether or not I remembered how to stop. Doug seemed to improve while I was away, too (though it may well have been that I just couldn't SEE the improvements while I was hovering over him).

I spent most of my weekend working in Gallery, though it hardly felt like a job compared to some of the volunteer gigs I've had at cons in the past. But I still managed to get to a couple of events, and spent some time with people I've been missing.

It was a good weekend, and I'm excited for next year.
kshandra: figurine of a teddybear seated at an office desk, looking at a computer (Default)
I'll start with today's news: [personal profile] gridlore is due to be released around 3pm today. (Which is probably 6pm in hospitalese, but we're used to it by now.) Nothing official yet as to what might be wrong, but he saw a specialist yesterday who had some theories, and we'll say more about that when we get confirmation.

Yesterday, however, was fucking difficult for both of us.

I arrived at lunchtime to discover that Doug was on isolation protocol - mask, gloves, and gown - while they checked him for C. diff. Adding insult to injury, the isolation gowns didn't fit me; the nurse cleared me to go in without one, but it was just one more dig I didn't need.

I got back to the office after a couple of hours with Doug and was immediately greeted with two phonecalls one of my co-irkers had mishandled, a round of Geek Answer Syndrome as both of my co-irkers tried to brainstorm what had happened to Doug that I finally had to shut down before I ran out of the building screaming, and a call to a prospective customer (attempting to do damage control on one of the earlier fuckups) who promptly began trying to railroad me into doing things that weren't physically possible. I wound up staying two hours late just so I had time to myself in the building and could actually get some work done. (I'm still under 40hrs for the week, thanks to Thursday's ER trip, so I didn't mind much.)

I was already burnt out when I got back to the hospital in the evening, and Doug wasn't much better, so I didn't stay long. I knew I wasn't going to sleep when I got home, though, so I found a How It's Made marathon on TV (I was hoping for Bourdain, but it was still nicely soothing) and did a little work on the crowdfunding campaign. (We broke 20% last night/this morning!) Finally crawled into bed around 11:30, but didn't fall asleep right away, which was just as well, because it meant I was awake when my phone pinged:

cut for emetophobes )

Before I left last night, I let Doug know that I was planning to spend the morning at home; the Rock & Roll Marathon has half the streets between home and the hospital closed until 1pm, and I had errands that needed doing. And truth be told, I needed a break - I'm pretty sure I've been in Crisis Mode since his last hospital stay last month, and neither of us can afford for me to crash in the middle of all of this. So I've got more How It's Made on the TV (this time courtesy of YouTube and the Roku player I got for my birthday) and laundry in the dryer (which appears to have actually stayed fixed this time, thank g_d, because I'd be in jail for killing our landlord if it hadn't worked today), and I'll head over once I have a clean change of clothes for him.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
kshandra: Graffiti of hands ripping open a dress shirt, Superman fashion, to reveal the word FAIL (FAIL)
[personal profile] gridlore and I made the incredibly difficult decision about an hour ago not to go to Burning Man this year. He is simply not bouncing back from his latest hospital stay the way either of us would like; I've been dealing with massive separation anxiety as a result, and was having real trouble trying to figure out how I was going to fulfill my volunteer commitments out there without falling to pieces wondering if he was okay back at camp.

At least now he'll be able to go for the follow-up labwork they were asking him to do on Monday (and not getting their heads around "the nearest hospital is 120 miles from where I'm going to be for the next week").

Comments disabled, as I posted to FB before coming here, and I think I've hit my limit on sympathy at the moment.

Depression

Mar. 24th, 2015 09:47 am
kshandra: figurine of a teddybear seated at an office desk, looking at a computer (Default)
Originally posted by [personal profile] jimhines

  • Depression lurks in the corner.
  • Depression waits for an opening.
  • Depression is exhausting.
  • Depression has little patience for others, and even less for you.
  • Depression remembers every mistake, real and imagined.
  • Depression is afraid of change.
  • Depression is “fine.”
  • Depression teaches you to lie.
  • Depression is ashamed of you.
  • Depression is forgetful.
  • Depression doesn’t want you to go out tonight.
  • Depression thinks you deserve it.
  • Depression tells you not to talk about it.
  • Depression is abusive.
  • Depression is seductive.
  • Depression disguises itself.
  • Depression is always tired.
  • Depression thinks you’re weak.
  • Depression wants you to read the comments.
  • Depression doesn’t care about the good things that happened yesterday.
  • Depression expects you to fail.
  • Depression doesn’t believe things will get better.
  • Depression is overwhelmed.
  • Depression wants you to think you’re the only one.
  • Depression knows you more intimately than any lover.
  • Depression is a glutton, and depression can’t stand the thought of food.
  • Depression demands perfection.
  • Depression undermines success, and magnifies failure.
  • Depression is comfortable.
  • Depression is a bully.
  • Depression lies.

Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.

kshandra: Cartoon of a young girl, a purple streak in her hair, at a computer; the text reads "dear blog, I HATE EVERYONE!" (I Hate Everyone)
A bout of very public drama on Facebook Tuesday ) has done nothing to help my overall mental state. On top of this, I'm badly overdue for a replacement mask for my facehugger, so I've been waking up several times a night when the vents pop open and the pressure changes (to say nothing of the extra noise). And it's been more than 12 months since I got the machine, so my prescription has expired, and the company I got it from can't send me any new supplies until the scrip has been renewed. I found a store online that would sell me one without it, and I should have it by Monday, but having to pay out of pocket for it annoys me.

It's been a real struggle not to eat my feelings every night.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
Just emailed my old therapist in SF to see if she might have a recommendation for someone in the area. (I'd go back to her in a heartbeat, but the cost and logistics of getting to the City on a weekly basis on top of the session fee preclude that.)
kshandra: Graffiti of hands ripping open a dress shirt, Superman fashion, to reveal the word FAIL (FAIL)
Get paid Friday.

Wake up overdrawn Tuesday.

Because we spent a third of my check on GROCERIES, for fuck's sake.

And now [personal profile] gridlore and I are arguing over my going back to therapy. (Figure out how I'm going to pay for it, universe, and I'll be there tomorrow.)

This is going to be an awesome fucking day, I can just tell.
kshandra: Graffiti of hands ripping open a dress shirt, Superman fashion, to reveal the word FAIL (FAIL)
I am having some HORRENDOUS body image issues this evening, triggered by needing to return the third too-small bra I've purchased in the space of a month. (And fuck you very much, Intimacy, for having been the ones to assure me that the first size I bought was what I needed.)
kshandra: Rich Uncle Pennybags, pockets turned out and palms upturned, over a background of Monopoly money (Broke)
Good news: [personal profile] gridlore's supplemental Medicare insurance was approved while we were gone last weekend.
Better news: The policy is retroactive to 10/01.

Bad news: We now have to come up with $524 for them by 11/01.

And I'm getting daily phone calls about our outstanding cable and internet bill - which they've already reduced for me once, but is still $200.

And we're starting to get phone calls about the imaging bills from Doug's hospital stay in August.

And the rent is due in a week.

I am fresh out of cope...and out of shame.

The PayPal address is purplekoosh at gmail. I know money is shit for everyone right now, so I certainly don't expect anything, but even just a dollar will help. And if you haven't got a ha'penny, boosting the signal is welcome.

All comments screened.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
Because it's not just the cost of the treatment facility. It's copayments for the doctor's appointments they've wanted me to get, and the labwork those appointments have generated, and physical therapy, and and and. (In the interest of full disclosure, I have been using some of the money raised to cover the PT costs; it's all part and parcel of the same process, but since it wasn't something I explicitly stated I was raising the money for, I've felt dishonest for doing it.)

And now I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea and need to be fitted with a face-hugger.

There are days I question the value of it all.
kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
I heard from the house manager at Cielo House this afternoon shortly before I left work. She's going to follow up with me tomorrow to confirm an intake appointment on Thursday...

...with an eye toward starting treatment on Monday.

I'm 99% certain that isn't going to happen; we're going to need to go through the same back-and-forth I did with La Ventana regarding insurance, financial aid, etc. But at the same time, the prospect of things moving so quickly, after such a very lengthy process the first time around, is a little terrifying. As I said to [personal profile] gridlore earlier tonight, "I'm suddenly behind a team of runaway horses."

Updates to follow.
kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
An intake counselor from La Ventana called me back today...

...and recommended I seek treatment elsewhere.

It's not as bad as it sounds, actually. )
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (BurningMan)
Less than 12 hours before I leave for the desert. Possibly less than 10.

I asked [personal profile] gridlore earlier tonight if I always get this anxious before I leave. His "Oh, HELL yeah" was oddly reassuring in a frustrating kind of way. To me, there feels like there are whole new levels to the panic this year, though. It's been two years since I actually had to set and strike a tent; I actually wound up downgrading from the 12x16 cabin tent I wanted to have (which was its own saga this year - the rainfly didn't get packed in with the tent the last time I used it, and I missed picking it up when I originally got my gear out from [personal profile] murphymom's basement) in favor of the 9x9 dome I know I can deal with on my own.

Or at least I used to. I've lost a fair amount of mobility in the past two years, and I don't know if I can still do it.

On top of that, I've got bonus First Day Of School angst, because I'm in a new camp this year, and while the mayors love me, I really don't know anyone else in the group that well, and I'm worried that I won't fit in well. (All the more reason to panic about whether or not I can put my own tent together, because I don't want to look completely helpless.)

But there's really nothing left for it now but to go.
kshandra: Graffiti of hands ripping open a dress shirt, Superman fashion, to reveal the word FAIL (FAIL)
I missed this coming in on Wednesday night because I was at a training session where mine wound up being the laptop plugged into the projector so I couldn't check my mail, but I was going through and cleaning up the various marked-as-unread messages in my inbox this morning...

Probably still triggery for some, albeit in a different direction )

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