kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (Default)
There were many reasons [personal profile] gridlore and I budgeted for business class seats when we set up this campaign. While others were more important, this was definitely on the list.

kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
Yesterday's assessment went really well. [personal profile] gridlore came with me, and was a marvel - volunteering information when I was trying to clarify or had obvious mental blocks (like the fact that I was predominantly raised by my great-grandmother, who was a single mother of two during the Great Depression, and as such had her own set of Issues about food), without making it seem like this was all his idea and I was just along for the ride. The psych who did the assessment is going to talk with my primary physician, get some corroborating information, start pounding on my insurance company, and then circle back to me next week so we can set a game plan.

And then Doug and I went to dinner, and he had two huge beers (probably three pints' worth in two glasses)...and once he was drunk he gave me the most amazing pep talk, talking about how very proud he is of me for doing this, and how he knows I'm going to be fucking well terrified at points, but that he'll be there to support me, and so will all my friends, and how he knows I can do this because I'm so bloody GOOD at everything I set my mind to - when I can just. fucking. STOP sabotaging myself.... He probably went on for twenty minutes, including acknowledging at least once that he had deliberately gotten himself this drunk because he knew he couldn't have said half of it to me otherwise, and I cried a lot and laughed more than a little and we held hands and smiled like fools and it was absolutely everything I could have hoped for.

And then we took a leisurely drive home so we could look at Christmas lights, including the one house up the road from us that I really ought to get pictures of because my GOD it's unreal. How you get that many lights on a single-story house that can't be over 1000 square feet, I can't tell you. (Though it does involve giving up the use of the garage for the month so they can put a display in the driveway. I kid you not.)
kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
My assessment is scheduled for next Thursday at 3pm.

I told my boss I'd be out for the afternoon (this makes two days in a row, as I'm seeing my primary physician on Wednesday)...he told me "I think you should take it with pay."

The support I am getting is the best sort of overwhelming, and I thank you all.
kshandra: Butterfly-shaped pewter paperweight, engraved with the Serenity Prayer (Serenity)
I'm awaiting a phone call from the intake counselor at La Ventana.

My doctor recommended I seek out a clinic, as I need more than just a change in diet and exercise - I need to change my entire approach to food. I am not (strictly speaking) a binge eater, but I have a relationship with food that can only be called dysfunctional. I'll note for the record that this clinic does promote Health At Every Size, which I was thrilled to hear in my conversation with their Outreach coordinator last night, because I'm never going to weigh what the actuarial tables think I should. But my weight is keeping me from doing things I love, and that is not acceptable.

Getting this far was an ordeal I don't care to repeat, involving multiple emails via a contact form we ultimately discovered was broken, and a voicemail message left for their outreach coordinator that amazingly only included one F-bomb and no tears. (The lack of response to my email led me to wonder if they weren't using some bullshit tough-love approach and were expecting me to prove how much I wanted this; had that turned out to be the case, [personal profile] gridlore would probably be putting out the begging bowl to raise my bail.)

Depending upon what is determined by my assessment, and what my insurance will cover, I may actually end up in what is called a partial hospitalization program - seven hours a day, five days a week. It frightens me past the capacity for rational thought to consider what that will do to us financially, but money doesn't fucking well matter if I'm dead, now, does it? (They do also have a half-day intensive outpatient program, but I need to approach this from the perspective of what's best for me, if not my wallet.)

I'll post if I make it in, and if journaling turns out to be part of their approach, I may copy those entries here (if I do, they will be cut-tagged, with a keyword in the subject line, and comments will be disabled).

Speaking of comments, I'm leaving them enabled here, but they will be screened, and I make no promises that I will answer any of them. Geek Answer Syndrome or attempts to "reassure" me that I don't need to lose weight will be deleted with extreme prejudice.


Jan. 14th, 2009 11:56 am
kshandra: Close-up of a single lit candle against a black background (Candle)
...I mourn Barry Baker.

EDIT, 1358HRS: [livejournal.com profile] filkertom, in picking up the above link from here, did me one better and found corroborating news sources.
kshandra: long-haired woman silhouetted against a stormy sky (Bad)
(Some of this may be triggery for people, and I apologize for that in advance. But it's important enough to me not to put it behind a cut tag.)

[livejournal.com profile] gridlore and I had more than a little bit of a rude awakening last weekend, at the concert. When we failed to acquire priority parking along with our tickets, I blithely stated, "Oh, that's okay, we'll just take BART." It's certainly convenient enough; there's a walkway connecting the two. Distance not being my strong suit, however, I never quite grokked just how long the walk was from the station to the arena.

Here's a map for the uninitiated. Pay no attention to the blue line beyond that first white dot; their walking directions are a very rough beta, and it shows. But Points A and B are as close to accurate as makes no difference. Now, remember that Doug had had a really long, tiring week at work, was fighting some sort of bug, and had been dealing with random muscle cramps in his legs for a day or two.

I still couldn't keep up with him. And 2/3 of the path from the station to the Arena is DOWNHILL.

I never actually burst into tears, but it was a very near thing. When I could breathe enough to speak, I told him "Now you understand why I've been so insistent that I need a scooter for Montreal next summer."

But goddamnit, this is no way to live.

I always swore that as long as the rest of my health wasn't being affected, I wasn't going to give a damn about my weight. If I lost some, fabulous, but if I didn't, it wasn't the end of the world. Obviously, that's no longer the case. I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks, a follow-up for the medication she put me on in October (which I have to confess I've not been very compliant with over the holidays). When I go in, I'm going to talk to her about a more aggressive weight loss plan...


...and this time, I'm no longer ruling out surgical intervention.

With the exception of the few of you on my f'list who have made that decision for yourselves, I simply cannot convey to you how UTTERLY FUCKING TERRIFIED I am right now. I've got a lot of research to do in the next few months, and a lot of work. It's going to be difficult as hell, and I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you about the voice in the back of my head saying "...but what if I fail?"

For once, there's a simple answer to that question: If I fail, I condemn myself to gradually decreased mobility, the loss of my ability to do so many of the things I love...and ultimately, I die. Yeah, I know we all do - but if there's a way for me to make it happen later, rather than sooner, I need to do it.

I owe it to [livejournal.com profile] meglimir. To [livejournal.com profile] smileystickman. To [livejournal.com profile] peaberry. To [livejournal.com profile] banesidhe.


I'm screening all comments on this; I've had to leave the post public, so certain important people in my life who *gasp* don't have LJs can see it. I'll probably unscreen the non-spam comments eventually, but I make no promises regarding responding to them...because honestly, I don't know what I can say at this point.
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (Gaze)
It just occurred to me that I weigh less than my driver's license says I do. Again.
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (TOPS)

Yes, I gained. But so did almost everyone else in the chapter - our "best loser" for the week dropped a whopping quarter-pound. (I really wasn't surprised by this; the past week was one of the sort Margaret Cho described in one of her shows as being so very good out in public...and then coming home and eating the couch.)

The unofficial theme for the evening was "Better Late Than Never." [livejournal.com profile] murphymom and I finally got to give the program we've been sitting on for three weeks; we ad-libbed for a few minutes on the subject of Non-Food Rewards, then handed out a word-search puzzle and gave everyone five minutes to find as many words as possible. Our winner, who got 15 out of 24 (hell, I'd seen the thing already, and even I only managed 17), was given a preview-sized bottle of Bath and Body Works' Twisted Peppermint Three-In-One, and he loved it. Everybody loved it - they were all sitting in the meeting room 15 minutes after we officially adjourned, still trying to find the rest of the words in the puzzle. So we scored big with this, as we had both hoped and expected - this was the first time the weekly program had been fun since we came back two months ago.

We also took some photos tonight, Mom mostly for her eHarmony profile, and me because neither of us had a photo taken at our first meeting (which is supposed to be part and parcel of the application process - how are they going to see how much different you look if they don't have a point of reference?).

Back here, for the curious )

(crossposted to my journal and [livejournal.com profile] projectoneyear)
kshandra: Porcelain dragon figurine stares at the camera, arms crossed and eyebrow raised (HighlySkeptical)

My frustrations with the chapter as a whole and the chapter leader in particular continue to grow. )

No doubt you'll all be grateful to learn that I ran out of steam before I ran out of rant; I'm going to fall into bed now and try not to think about this anymore.

(crossposted to my journal and [livejournal.com profile] projectoneyear)
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (Default)
I had someone unfriend me shortly after I announced I was going to try losing weight again this year. (No huge loss, it wasn't someone I was amazingly close to - and perhaps if it was, zie would already have realized what I'm about to explain, anyway).

I don't expect to wind up a size 4 at the end of all this. Hell, I don't expect to wind up a size 14. I've always been big, and I believe I will always be big. I just want to change how big.

I haven't seen 200lbs since shortly after I graduated high school. It would absolutely rock my face off to be there again before my 20th reunion. That's 30 months (give-or take, assuming the reunion is in the summer) to lose 160 pounds. I CAN DO THIS.

(crossposted to my journal, [livejournal.com profile] projectoneyear, and 43 Things)
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (Nude)
[livejournal.com profile] karenww in [livejournal.com profile] projectoneyear linked to a bathroom scale that 1. will actually hold my weight (and then some!) and 2. doesn't cost the earth:


Catch up on a couple more bills, and we could pick this up easily. (No pun intended.)
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (TeaForTwo)
(crossposted to my journal and [livejournal.com profile] projectoneyear)

I'm a tea drinker; have been all my life. In the colder months I've been known to go through three or four pots in a day.

I'm drinking tonight's tea with just three teaspoons of sugar in it, instead of my usual four.

It's a start.

(Tomorrow, if I'm feeling particularly ambitious, I may actually count calories all day....)
kshandra: The Burning Man effigy, lit in blue neon, arms by his sides; an orange half-moon is visible over his shoulder. (Nude)
(crossposted to 43 Things)

I just joined [livejournal.com profile] projectoneyear, an LJ community started by Dave Wright of Todd and Penguin fame. In addition to drawing comics, Dave writes a newspaper column, and was just challenged by his boss: Lose 100 pounds over the course of the next year, and get a 1-week trip to the Bahamas.

I don't have a fancy trip waiting for me at the end of the year.

I just have the rest of my life.

See more progress on: lose weight
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